Sorry I’ve been so quiet. I know that I’ve been pretty terrible about writing lately. That’s just what happens some days when you are struggling. I am a woman of intense passions, but sometimes they work with the world to drain me dry. I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy on my community relations gig, #unitecloud, which has been making some really great waves in the community. Along with all of those wonderful things goes the other side; people who are misinformed and need education and guidance, people who disagree on items and want only to debate them in an effort to MAKE you see they are “right”, people looking at your every move hoping to find fault, people that need the same thing said over and over again. It’s what I signed up for, don’t get me wrong, but it is still very exhausting at times. Most of my work is behind the computer which can makes things less and more challenging all in one. However, it allows me to speak up and to also use this love of writing I found somewhere along the way.
But writing posts takes time (2-3 hours sometimes), researching issues to get correct facts takes time, interviewing community members takes time and in all of this I have lost my time with you. My apologies. On top of all of that life has just been plain ol’ busy here! We’ve been working hard to enjoy the last of our summer, spending time with loved ones from out of state, and making all sorts of great memories. I’ve been reading great books of immense information, studying the Word of my Abba, wrestling desperately to stay awake through the Grapes of Wrath, wrestling to stay awake period. I’m in a season of battling anxiety and some underlying depression which makes me so very exhausted. There are days that I sleep for 12 hours (including naps) and still struggle to keep my eyes open. I work here and there on an embroidery piece I started at least a month ago; a triptych of Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner. As much as I enjoy working on it when I do, I still feel no incline to pick it up when moments are quiet like I used to. Hell, I haven’t even watched an episode of Doctor Who in over a week… But that’s what depression is, I suppose. It’s a hard thing to say and I haven’t said it to anyone until right now.
As much as I don’t want to get off the couch and do things, I am. I fight through it. Today I spent some time in the woods searching for my Abba and asking for guidance. You see, I applied for a new job and had an interview yesterday. I struggle with knowing what His plan for me is. Is it #unitecloud? Is it a traditional job? Is it art? My own heart gets in the way so much and the noise in my head is deafening at times. Last night I went to bed knowing this would be the best way for me to seek answers. I woke up hoping to find a post-it note from God on my forehead letting me know his thoughts, but alas. I was tired and crabby and wanted nothing to do with anything other than coffee and more sleep. I went anyway. I had the best conversation with my husband in the car; words given to both of us by God. I walked in the woods and the sun came out. I watched a woodpecker-bluejay show down. I saw my first lobster mushrooms and game back with a bag full of three kinds of edible ‘shrooms. I laid on a rock, eating my breakfast as a hummingbird buzzed around right by my head checking me out. Yes, I find God in his Word when I search it, but today I found his reassurance there in those woods. I found a peace in my heart and the consolation that no matter what direction I choose I am on the path I need to be on right now and He is with me.
Yep, it’s another one of those damn God posts. It’s hard not to write to you about Him when his presence is so real and reassuring for me. I know that I still have to fight this; that this isn’t the end. However, I know that it is simply a season of my life I must walk through but with Him at my side.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.