Changing Gears- Why I’m back at work

posted in: anxiety, family life, Womanhood | 1

education-662458_640Well, I officially have a full week of work under my belt! Boy is it weird to be back in the saddle again. I’m not sure I’ve taken time to explain what has been going on. Frankly, it’s been very scattered around here. That’s how life and the inside of my head get sometimes.

 

Two years ago, I took the leap to stay home with my kids. I have loved every freaking minute of it- okay, maybe not every minute, but you get the idea. In addition to enjoying the time I’ve had with my kids, I’ve loved the room it has given me to breathe and grow. As an INFJ I spend a lot of time in my head. I analyze everything. I never stop thinking or asking questions. Nothing is ever taken at face value. It is a deep and rich life, but it is exhausting. Working in the nursing field was so very draining with all of the the complexity of emotions one deals with. Having the ability to take back a portion of that energy and focus on myself, my family, and find my spirituality has been such a blessing and having a husband that has allowed me the room I need to do these things is priceless. During this #unitecloud cropped up and has taken on a life of its own. It has given me the chance to do something I love- write. Not just about all this mumbo-jumbo in my head and what cute things my kids did today, but about pressing issues that our community faces and challenge myself in many ways as I am not immune to bias. All of this has fit into our plan of simplifying and taking a look at the parts of life that are important to us and choosing to live for them.

 

Sadly, we still live in a consumer driven society and that can be very hard at times. We have done well balancing our wants with our needs and we are striving to live as near to debt free as possible. That said, things crop up and we are faced with choices. For instance, I have driven the same piece of shit car for 15 years. FIFTEEN YEARS, people!! It is simultaneously the newest and oldest car I have ever owned. I’ve overlooked the manual windows and locks, the air conditioner that only works when driving on the highway, the faded paint job and rust spots for so many years, but I’ve finally had it. It had to go. Though I relished the idea of owning a car free and clear that did just what it needed to- get me place to place- there comes a time when we just WANT more even if we don’t exactly NEED it right now. So, I bought it at a year old with 16,000 miles on it and sold it 15 years later with just over 96,000 miles. In order to do this, it left us with the choice of taking on a car payment and just barely eking by; going back to the anxiety of living bill to bill, month to month; forgoing any and everything fun with our kids OR going back to work.

 

Going back to work has been a very scary thing. As I’ve told you, I’m not perfectly regulated lately and the memory of the anxiousness and stress that plagued my last job sets my teeth on edge and gets my heart racing. Like I’ve said, being a SAHM has barely left enough room in my head to breathe. Not to mention #unitecloud has added another wanted and joyful pile to my plate, but a large pile nonetheless. What happens when I’m back at work trying to balance and juggle everything? I mean, for real, this is an average thought in my head:

 

thought bubble

All of that passes in approximately 3 seconds and repeats respectively over and over on a loop. Exhausting. Now add to that all the stress that comes with work, coworkers and all the thoughts of

  • What am I supposed to do?
  • Did I handle that right?
  • I should have said “______”
  • Did that sound snotty? I didn’t mean it to…
  • Should I say something?
  • I should just shut up…
  • Do I smell? My pits feel sweaty…
  • I’m hungry.
  • What time is it?
  • She looks bitchy. Is she pissed at me?
  • Did I do something wrong?
  • How do I nicely point out that that was the most ridiculous idea ever?
  • Did he just really say that?!

Et cetera, et cetera. Then add to that the energy it takes to flow through each and every emotion with the people around you; to have this hypersensitivity to people’s moods and how they shift and interconnect; to really feel someone’s hurt and sadness, frustration, etc and absorb it like a sponge.

INFJs At Work:

INFJs have pretty tall demands when it comes to a satisfying work environment. Not only does this personality type need to be able to express their creativity and insight, INFJs need to know that what they are doing has meaning, helps people, leads to personal growth and, all the while, is in line with their values, principles and beliefs. […]

INFJs act on their convictions, so when they do something, it’s something that has meaning to them – if those actions come under criticism, even justified complaints, but especially unwarranted ones, their morale is likely to tank spectacularly.

A manager’s values need to be naturally aligned with their INFJ subordinates for both parties to be most effective. Though usually idealistic, if they feel in conflict, INFJs can lose touch with that sense and end up all too bitter. But if it’s a balance they can handle, with a little encouragement every now and then, INFJs will be hardworking, trustworthy, and more than capable of handling their responsibilities and professional relationships. When someone challenges or criticizes INFJs’ principles or values, they are likely to receive an alarmingly strong response. People with the INFJ personality type are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict, and questioning their motives is the quickest way to their bad side.

Whew. See, my heart is racing already. Breathe, Kelly. Breathe.

sneakersI’ve been assigned to some 7th and 8th grade kids with learning and behavior disorders. It’s been going well enough. It is giving me the chance to brush up on my social studies skills and slowly get over my fear of teenagers- something I think I still carry about in a remote portion of my brain riddled with teenage insecurity that lingers somewhere still. It doesn’t help that they are all nearly bigger than me. I’m trying to remember that most kids are good kids, but just might be kids dealing with more than any kid should. They might be kids that had an unfair start in life, be it drug exposure, genetics, parenting, poverty, etc, but are doing the best they know how to get by. That doesn’t mean that what they know are successful techniques. So I pray each day as I go to school and as I go to bed that my Abba can provide me with clarity of mind and of heart and of tongue as I work with these kids.

With all of this going on, I must admit, #unitecloud, work & family will be my priority for a bit. Fear not, though. I’m trying to stay a couple of weeks ahead on my writing with #uc so I can still play here, laugh here, cry here with all of you. Your my friends and therapy, frankly. I will be cutting out Makers Mondays for awhile, but will still be sharing project and sketching pics over on Facebook & Instagram if you want to follow along. I won’t promise that it will always be Thursdays, but I will always be here.

Lot’s of Love!

 

One Response

  1. Seventh and eighth grade kids are my forte. The younger ones scare me more. The older ones tend to not care as much. Seventh and eighth grade were perfect for me because I could actually make a difference in their day. Some of my best subbing days were in SPED classrooms.